Kind of Blah

I don’t want to write a post about not wanting to write about anything, and I hope this isn’t what this becomes. I just feel kind of … blah lately. Part of it is because Frank is leaving in a month (he’ll be gone all of June and July), and I am going to miss him. Last year I had some fun distractions planned while he was gone, and I am trying to do that again this year – but not really having a lot of success. Mainly because I don’t know what I want to do with myself, and I am worried about money.

The economy ain’t doin’ so hot right now, but I feel pretty secure about my job. I just don’t want to get too cocky, and I am trying to be cautious about money. Frank has some money coming in from a grant, but I am scared to rely on it too much. So, while financially, we are doing okay – I can’t help but shake the idea that this is all very temporary. And now with grad school coming up? It just feels precarious, even if it isn’t.

And I want to move. We may try to in September, when our lease is up. I have a wish list of things I want in a new apartment (parking, some extra room) but mainly – I want a dog and our current apartment doesn’t allow any. I just feel like there are very few things standing in my way, and I have always wanted a dog and now is as good a time as any. So, we are considering the idea. With the way NY housing markets work, it’s almost silly to look in advance – but I don’t think we will have a very hard time. It’s just – the expense of a move? Plus, the unknown – what about the devil we know? Also, we may move back to Bayside – which would mean increased transportation costs.  It’s silly to worry about now, but I want to try to save as much as possible this summer.

The other thing that’s bugging me is that despite promising my doctor and myself that I would lose weight – I haven’t. In fact, I am heavier now than in recent memory. I tried therapy for a bit, but it got expensive and I don’t feel like I was getting a lot out of it (but I have two books to read that she recommended strongly). I am considering stopping my expensive gym membership for financial reasons, but that kind of feels like giving up. And I could re-join Weight Watchers – but the truth is? I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to count, and point and obsess. But I also don’t want to feel this way about myself – sluggish and unhappy. And I know the answer is to exercise more and make better food choices. It shouldn’t be that hard. But for me? It is.

I don’t want this to be a blog about my struggles with weight, or make this a really public thing – but I am at the point where I almost feel as if I should. Maybe by being publicly accountable I will have better success. What I don’t want is tons of ideas or advice about what I could or should do – people who find out you are willing to admit you are struggling are the first to give you tons and tons of ideas. It’s like you opened the floodgates, and now they can finally talk to you about your weight (as if you didn’t realize you were fat in the first place.) They tell you about counting calories, and just going to the gym, whether you want to or not – or how much water to drink; as if as a fat woman I haven’t heard all this a million times before. That’s the part that drives me nuts. And yet – I really, really don’t want to go back to the doctor and feel like I failed. Again.

Please Note: All “blah” crappiness could be because of my cold/possible allergies and will go away once I start feeling a little better. Not the underlying problems, but my whiny-ness about them.