I have had this post going for a few days now. But it has taken that long for me to press “publish.” I don’t necessarily want to face or admit all of the things that I am going to need to deal with here – the things that have contributed to put me in the place I am in right now. But I know I need to. So, here goes….
I can’t even begin to understand the origins of my relationship with food. I envy my thin friends who only eat when they are hungry, and even then, eat only until they are not hungry anymore. Or better yet, sometimes they even forget to eat. I don’t do that. Ever. Of course, if I am hungry, I eat. But I also eat if I think I should be hungry, if I am bored, if I am upset, and sometimes for no reason at all. Sometimes I don’t even realize I am doing it. Other times, my decisions are purposeful and calculated.
For the past few weeks, I have done my best to remain aware of my decisions and to evaluate why I want to eat and whether I am actually hungry. And when I do that, I almost feel normal. But then I realize that for normal people, normalcy is not such a struggle – it just happens. Normal people don’t have to question the reasonableness of every decision they make about food. It just happens. I don’t think it will ever be like that for me. I have a feeling that, for the rest of my life, I will have to fight to make sure the old habits stay buried.
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